Jamila

Jamila's family is originally Lebanese, but she grew up in the Ivory Coast where her dad ran a few businesses. When war broke out, her family packed up and moved to Senegal, but Jamila decided to go to Bordeaux, France for university, where she took genetics and biochemistry. During her summers she worked on a vineyard (her family is Maronite, so wine is totally cool) and became interested in the biodynamic production of grapes. Since graduating, she has been working on breeding cows that have larger horns for burying manure. In her spare time Jamila is planning her wedding to an up and coming Galician performance artist named Manolo.

Biff

Biff went off the grid in 1996 in anticipation of Y2K. After living with the Amish for two years, he built himself a compound in the Saskatchewan hinterland and lived off the land, awaiting civilization's imminent collapse. He attracted a number of followers, and he established himself as "The Divine Disciple of the Righteous Path". On January 2nd, 2000, Biff found himself alone in the world. He thought he might cash in some secret investments, but the lawyers of three of his former followers discovered these, and they have been secured by the court to pay support for Biff's seven children from his time as cult leader. He is now back on the grid, lives in Winnipeg, and sells fro-yo at the mall.

Stuart

Stuart - not "Stu": he hates that - works as a clerk in accounts receivable at a medium-sized pickling company. He has "met" or "surpassed" expectations in his last seven annual performance reviews. Someday, Stuart would like to become an assistant or even full manager at the company. On the weekends, Stuart plays keytar in a trans-gendered electro-prog-punk band. They dress like stuffed animals - "furries", some might say - and appear on the bill as "Titty Rockspin".

Tina and Trina

Tina and Trina used to be best friends but then Tina told Seth that Trina fancied him but that was totally untrue because it was Tina that actually fancied him, but she was too scared to tell him, but anyway, Seth believed her and now Trina and Seth are dating, and Tina thinks Trina is a total slag because she knew she fancied Seth and went behind the bleachers with him anyway, and now they hold hands at school and everything. Oh. My. God. I can't believe she did that. She is a right trollip, innit?

For Sale!

Finally! It's that riverside lifestyle you've been "pine"-ing for.  Single room with spectacular views, close to all the amenities. Oaks, walnuts and dumpsters all within walking distance. $399,000. Listing # 359197s. Contact: Brenda.

Kristal

Kristal had always to be an actress, and she moved to Los Angeles at an impressionable age. Her first few months were difficult, and she was finally enticed to do some adult cinema in order to pay the bills. In a weird twist of fate the morning of her first shoot she woke up with the chicken pox. As these were the days before the Internets, there wasn't a niche for that yet, so she was replaced by another actress. When Kristal recovered, she discovered that her true calling was working behind the camera. Her happiest time was working as second best boy grip on the set of The Golden Squirrels.

Seamus

About two years ago Seamus was called by the prosecution to testify against his brother, Paddy, in a bank robbery case. At first, Seamus didn't tell them nothin'. Then he started to tell them somethin'; these were mostly explicatives. Then he told the story of how things went down. Last week, Seamus got out of prison after serving 19 months for perjury and comtempt of court. He was let out early, not for good behaviour per se, but because his protrayal of Jo in his cell block's production of Little Women was so moving, the warden was compelled to advocate on his behalf.

Vernon

Vern's first job was selling cotton candy at Old  Orchard Beach. During that summer, he fell madly for Madame Renée, a cheap, two-bit fortune teller originally from Des Moines, and they had a torrid lust affair. When Mister Renée re-entered the picture, Vern quickly skipped town. He now owns his own big rig, "Fortune's Fancy", and is known to regularly do the Millinocket-Skowhegan run in under an hour. Vern always listens to Loretta Lynn when he's on the road. It soothes his aching heart.

Moishe

Moishe was once the star pupil at the local rabbinical school until a tragic photocopier accident left him without a tail or a memory, and with 1500 copies of his Bubby's blintz recipe. It has been a long and slow recovery, but Moishe is now enroled in database management at DeVry.

Vance

Vance did three tours of duty in Afghanistan, and now suffers from PTSD, although that ailment is because of having had too many layovers at the Atlanta airport. He copes with his difficulties by writing fan fiction, and is one of the Midwest's most respected Bronies.

Gord

Gord is not dumb, but he is an illiterate squirrel. He always wanted to go to school, but his family could not find any to send him to that were nut-free facilities. As a result, Gord's prospects are now limited, although he is considering a career in MMA. He's got some pretty sweet moves.

Mavindra (Melanie)

Melanie - or Mavindra, as she now likes to be called since spending an afternoon at an ashram in Goa - thinks she is better than most squirrels. She lives in a studio loft on the Lower East Side, and spends most of her time at Madison Square Park sipping foamy lattes and tweeting judgy comments about other squirrels, as she finds them very materialistic.