Archibald

On paper, handsome and debonair Archibald (a.k.a. Arch) looks like a real catch: Ivy league, New England blue-blood, great job on Wall Street. However, unlike most other squirrels who work in high finance, Archibald does not have severe sociopathic tendencies: he is a complete sociopath. When he's not doing coke and gambling away seniors' pensions in ultra-high risk investments, he's taking advantage of insecure late-twenty-something single professionals, stringing along a half dozen at any time, and then dropping them at the first sign of commitment. Or pregnancy (he has a standing order for Plan "B" at the Duane Reade around the block from his condo). If his ancestors knew Archibald would be such a degenerate douchebag, they probably never would have stepped off the Mayflower.

Ingrid

Ingrid dated a squirrel for a while in college. It didn't work out.

Walter

Walter can usually be found at The Wild Boar Bar & Grill up Highway 7. He sits at the bar and wiill tell wild tales to whomever stops in for some beer and nuts. No one really knows much about Walter. Some say he killed another squirrel back in '72. Others say he lost his shit after a firefight gone awry in Vietnam. Most of the rumours, however, are untrue. Walter's real sordid secret was that he used to run a hamster racing ring in Tijuana. Howver, when the cartels started showing up in the early 90's, they wanted a cut of the action. He refused. When it looked like shit was getting real, Walter tried to skip town, but he and his señorita were caught in an ambush. He escaped, she didn't. Now, he smokes his pipe and tells of his time aboard a Liberian freighter.

Chaandy

Chaandy was raised in historic city of Cochi, Kerala, India. A few years ago, he landed himself what he thought was a pretty sweet construction job in the Gulf States building malls and thirty-seven star hotels. While on the job, he gained a taste for country music, which was always played by one of his workmates. Pretty soon, though, it turned out quasi slave-labour wasn't quite his thing, so he managed to bribe his foreman to get his passport back and Chaandy escaped back to India.

Still not content, he looked up a cousin who was studying engineering at the University of Tennessee. Being himself a Nasrani Christian, he was able to get some scholarships from a few churches in the Knoxville area to begin his own computer science degree at UT Chattanooga. It started out well, but then, after a weekend trip, it all changed. His prior love of country music led him, naturally, to Pigeon Forge, and to experience the previously unimaginable: Dolly's Dixieland Stampede. Chaandy's world turned upside down. For the past two years, he has been working tirelessly to find investors for what he hopes will bring Kerala to the big leagues of global tourism: A Vasco da Gama dinner-theatre spectacle at the heart of his Chaandy's Wild Ponnani! amusement park. He is very close to securing funding for "Zamorin's Revenge", the greatest maglev roller coaster in history, capable of reaching 400 km/h (250 mph).

Todd

Todd isn't particularly interesting as an individual, but rather the contrast between him and his two sisters is an interesting study in the by-products of post-1960's feminism. On the one-hand, Todd's two older sisters were brought up being told that they could do and be anything they wanted, and that no one could tell them otherwise. Expecting that they could have it all, they both became overachievers, and currently try to balance successful careers and each have begun their own families.

Then, on the other hand, there is Todd. He grew up with the implied message that since he was a boy, he would have it easy in a Man's world. Consequently, he was raised with lowered expectations. He is pretty smart, but has a horrible work ethic. Only his athletic prowess was really pushed to any degree. He putzed around university a few years, juggling various girlfriends and majors, and finally stopped going after he became a manager at a sporting goods store. Now, he mostly spends his time exercising his masculinity in those realms that feminism has largely ignored: farting, playing FPS games online, stashing nuts and watching MMA.

Smitty

Smitty found a job as a janitor in a local senior's residence because it allows him to easily do his second most favourite thing: getting high on solvent. He works the night shift, which allows him to fly under the radar. However, although he does enjoy the temporary euphoria from the huffing, he actually does the whole solvent thing because it serves as inspiration for his most favourite thing. Smitty improvises interpretive dance with his mop, and puts on performances for the insomniac residents of the home. Marjory is his biggest fan. Sometimes, she smuggles him the occasional pudding from the dining room.

Raijin

The story of Raijin begins in 1944. His grand-father was a high ranking officer in the Japanese Imperial Navy. He and some colleagues had been on leave for a few days when they were flying back with a few of their favourite concubines. Their plane crashed over a remote South Pacific island. The marooned crew, after waiting months with no avail for a rescue party, accepted their fate and began a thriving little colony on the island. All throughout, word that the war was over never reached the isolated island, and all boys born on the island were trained to be elite warriors, in the strictest Bushido tradition. Once re-connected to the war effort, these men would unleash swift retribution unto any enemy. But rescue never came for Raijin's father, and so when Raijin was born (like his father, he is named for the God of Thunder), a new generation of warriors emerged.

Last year, a Japanese whaling boat wandered upon the island whilst trying to avoid Greepeace activists. The “scientists” aboard were astonished to find the colony of almost sixty inhabitants, Raijin included. Although raised in traditional Japanese fashion, Raijin was completely unprepared for modern Japanese life. Once he got over the fact that they had lost the war (kinda bursting a huge myth bubble of the invincibility of the Japanese warrior), he is now trying to wrap his head around Hello Kitty, amongst other things. He is seeing a shrink thrice weekly. After contemplating seppuku, he instead turned his physical prowess to dominating the Dance Dance Revolution. He's like a ninja at it.