Casey

The story of Casey is a rather tragic one. He had always been a bit of a loner, spending most of his time finding and hiding seeds and nuts. He had a steady job as a tech support worker for the county. However, one winter about ten years ago, he discovered the game of Mahjong whilst staying at his uncle's ski chalet in Vermont. The initial exhilaration of the game quickly led to a dark path of gambling and compulsive sexual fetishes. Three years ago he convinced his supervisor to send him to an internet security conference in Hong Kong. He boarded his flight, but never registered at the conference, and never returned. It is suspected he went Macau to play hard core (in all senses of the word) Mahjong, and fell afoul of the Chinese Communist Party. He probably made the iPhone you're using right now. His story serves as a reminder to all squirrels of the dangers of etched tiles.

Edward

Edward was actually born Eduardo Fulgencio Gomez. He was adopted as a baby from South America. For most of his life, Edward imagined he was the illegitimate son of Pablo "Bam Bam" Gomez, the legendary Paraguayan charango player, tragically killed in a bus crash the year of Edward's birth. However, Edward has just returned from Paraguay where he went to find out more about his biological parents. After exhaustive red tape and a plethora of bribes, it turns out that his parents were actually an ultra-conservative Catholic Archbishop and the daughter of a Nazi fugitive, both of whom were into some really kinky stuff. His homecoming dinner tonight with his two adoptive gay Jewish dads should be really interesting.

Gwen

The only thing extraordinary about Gwen is how incredibly ordinary she is. She works as a middle manager at a large firm, so she doesn't actually "do" work, or manage anyone: she sits in a cubicle and acts a Soviet-style checkpoint between people who do work, and people who get paid more than her. Sometimes, to assert her authority, she will insist on the use of an Oxford comma. After work, Gwen drives her SUV back to her suburban home where she feeds her children a really neat new prepared meal from the supermarket (Eating chicken tikka-masala helps them be more wordly). Her husband checked out a long time ago, and spends much of his time and money supporting the local sports team. But it's ok: he has a man-cave so that makes him very masculine and desirable. Her two children are 'C' students, but that's the teachers' fault, because "they don't challenge the children enough". Once the kids are in bed, Gwen likes to watch CSI with a nice glass of wine and a couple of Zoloft.

Manolo

Manolo recently broke off his engagement with Jamila, much to her chagrine. Although he still loves her, his one true passion is his art. As a performance artist, Manolo dedicates his entire body and soul to his craft. This coming spring, he hopes to return to his home town of La Coruña and stage a piece on abstinence in the digital age. He plans to ride naked atop a castrated bull whilst playing his gaita, going from church to church delivering wheels of cheese, all the while being followed by a retired prostitute who will be tweeting her emotional experience in haiku form. He has recieved six grants from the European Union for this performance piece.

Gertrude

Gertrude's husband, Herman, died in 2004. He owned a fair-sized tire dealership in Kalamazoo, Michigan. She wasn't too broken up about it, though, because the two-timing son-of-a-bitch spent most of the 80's cheating on her with his secretary: Troy. Model train conventions, my ass!
As soon as he was in the ground, Gertrude picked up stakes and bought a condo in a retirement community near Fort Myers, Florida. Nowadays, when she's in a good mood, she toddles over to Applebee's for the early bird special. She's more interested in handsome divorcees than in the 2 for 1 apps, though (she counts her points closely). Most of the time, however, she's bitter, and deals with her anger by whipping pretty much everyone's ass in Canasta, from Naples to Manatee County.