Friday, 7 November 2014


Oscar is the living embodiment of Lover Boy's 1981 anthem: he works for the weekend. During the week he has a decent job as an assistant manager at Benjamanian, one of those big box carpet stores. It's a pretty good career, given his education consists of being 4 credits shy of a degree in late medieval Icelandic literature. But on the weekend, oh, the weekend. Oscar lives for the weekend. His Friday night routine is sacred. He grills a steak over hot coals. He likes it well-cooked but juicy: Argentinian-style. He accompanies this with a good bottle of heavy French red wine, and then drinks himself into a stupor whilst smoking his pipe and listening to jazz. This week will be a particularly good week. First, it's a lovely, marbled, Delmonico, then, a 2004 St. Julien, and finally, a stack of old Verve 45's he found at a church rummage sale last Saturday. For Oscar, life is very good.

Tuesday, 4 November 2014


From the time she was about 15 Kelcee was always known as "the pretty one" in her circle of acquaintances. Whilst she was never school-smart, she was never dumb, either. She quickly learned that she could get most guys to do what she wanted by sleeping with them, and that she actually liked having sex. Quite a bit. Unfortunately, she also discovered that although sex for favours was in a legal grey zone, sex for money was a no-no. Or was it?

In a move to operate a high-end escort service, Kelcee opened up a "Pornography Academy". When patrons arrived to meet her or one of her girls, they would also be given a disposable camera, and could then document, should they want, their "pornographic coaching session". The matter is now before the courts. During the trial, Kelcee married the senior partner at her defending law firm. She doesn't like him much, but he is extravegantly wealthy. She figures retail-level sex for money may be against the law, but sole-source wholesale contracts still seem to be very legal, indeed.

Sunday, 2 November 2014


Pablo is originally from the small Mexican town of Santo Poco. Raised Catholic, he turned away from the church in his late teens because he found that the veneration of mutliple saints in his small village created cognitive dissonance with the dogma of monotheism. Consequently he left his village, which he increasingly viewed as medieval in mindset, and smuggled himself across the US border in a sanitary napkin delivery truck. Even border agents, he figured, were uneasy around feminine hygiene products.

He re-settled in the San Francisco area, and found himself a job as a janitor in a strip mall with a nail salon. One Saturday, he was begged by the salon owner to help with a nails-for-a-wedding-party emergency. She had accidentally double-booked her salon, and two of her nail stylists were out with food poisoning. It turns out he was very talented in the nails department. He was hired full-time, and now has a steady clientele. His best clients are drag queens. Not only is Pablo an excellent manicurist, and cute, but, more importantly, he never judges. He is living the American dream.

Thursday, 2 October 2014


Hux was born Aldous Huxley III. Although he is of no relation to the Aldous Huxley, his father, a broke-ass drunk, named him so after a guy in a tavern once told him that the original Aldous Huxley had died without any known heirs, and that a sizeable fortune rested in escrow somewhere, awaiting to be inherited. Rather than take care of his son, raise him properly and provide him with a decent education, Hux's dad spent most of his son's childhood forging documents to support the claim to the purported fortune. SPOILER ALERT: there never was a fortune. So now, the dad is serving ten to eighteen for a variety of fraud-related convictions, and Aldous III is a broke-ass drunk who hangs out in taverns listening to cockamamie stories, hoping to find his own get-rich scheme.

Sunday, 28 September 2014

Obituary - Darla Starrs

The staff of Squirrel Confidential were saddened to hear of the passing of legendary actress Darla Stars. Ms. Starrs passed away Friday evening peacefully in her sleep, surrounded by her family.
Ms. Starrs rose to fame in the 1940's as a starlett of 2nd Millenium Wolf Studios, and appeared several times opposite Heinz Eavestroughing. She was nominated three times for OSMONDtm awards, though never won. 
She is perhaps best remembered for her infamous marriage in 1961 to Benicio Lopez de Lopez, dictator of the small island nation of San Santiago. Though they had three children together, the marriage ultimately failed when  Lopez de Lopez grew paranoid as leftist guerillas attempted numerous assassination attempts against him. Following her divorce, she returned to live quietly in California, and retired from acting, although she did make a few noteworthy cameo appearances on The Golden Squirrels. Ms. Starrs is survived by her son, Benicio Jr., her two daughters, Sharla and Carla, and by her grandson, Benicio III. Family asks that donations be made to the Hide-a-Nut Foundation en lieu of flowers.

Monday, 4 August 2014


On paper, handsome and debonair Archibald (a.k.a. Arch) looks like a real catch: Ivy league, New England blue-blood, great job on Wall Street. However, unlike most other squirrels who work in high finance, Archibald does not have severe sociopathic tendencies: he is a complete sociopath. When he's not doing coke and gambling away seniors' pensions in ultra-high risk investments, he's taking advantage of insecure late-twenty-something single professionals, stringing along a half dozen at any time, and then dropping them at the first sign of commitment. Or pregnancy (he has a standing order for Plan "B" at the Duane Reade around the block from his condo). If his ancestors knew Archibald would be such a degenerate douchebag, they probably never would have stepped off the Mayflower.

Sunday, 29 June 2014


Ingrid dated a squirrel for a while in college. It didn't work out.